There we were in the hospital and there I was with some of my closest loves around me hearing the words I was always afraid of, "we are going to have to do a c-section." Tears, there were tears for sure but in that moment there was also a strength that rose up in me.
The day before I was in labor all day off and on. That night we made our way twice to the triage at Gaston Memorial. You can only imagine my disappointment when I wasn't progressed enough to stay. By the time we got home and back in bed my water broke. Here we go again. Now they had to keep me, especially with my track record of water breaking. My "birth plan" was to go all natural, I mean, if I could labor for three days with Raleigh, I could do this. Ha! This labor was so different. As soon as I got to triage my contractions were non-stop, no break whatsoever so I was begging for an epidural. I've never felt such pain. My "birth plan" went out the window.
My labor progressed very quickly but that morning it kinda stayed the same for several hours. Turns out, the epidural relaxed me too much so they gave me some meds to bring my blood pressure back up and that sped my heart way up as well as Dalton's. This is normal for some time but it was lasting way longer than normal. At the first mention of a possible c-section, I was like "no way!" I had about an hour to try and push this baby out and I was determined. It's funny how we have "our plans" and ideas of how things should go.
By the way this post is going you should know by now that I didn't push the baby out. The little guy was posterior and his little head was comfortably tucked under my pelvis. He refused to be pushed out. So, back to the c-section. They suited Daniel up, prepped me and off we rolled. We left all our family and friends in the waiting room to experience a birth that I had not wanted, had not planned, prayed against, spoke against and refused to ever believe for myself. My hopes were for a smooth labor and delivery, after all, didn't I deserve that after what all went wrong with Raleigh?! Sorry for the honesty but these were my selfish thoughts at the time.
I won't go into detail about the c-section. I felt the surgery so it was actually pretty traumatic. I lost a lot of blood so I had to have four blood transfusions. In the end, I had a precious baby boy.
The whole week in the hospital I was fine with how it all went. Those were some good drugs. That Saturday I had my first and only meltdown. It was kinda like a death of a dream. Some may laugh at this. Some may not understand my need for the "perfect" birth and that's alright. I honestly don't know why that desire was ever so important to me either, it just was. The hardest part of all of this was not understanding why my prayers and all the prayers from others were not answered. I had believed so much but I'd been let down. Why?! I still don't know the "why." I do know that I had my hope in the wrong thing. I had my hope in my "birth plan" and was tragically let down. How many times do we put our hope in other things besides God? We make plans according to our own agenda. We never know the big picture, the "why" but God does and we know that He is working everything out for our good, right?
Now I know that I had the perfect birth for me and my sweet boy. I'm truly thankful for him and all of this modern medicine and ways to remove a baby safely. It wasn't what I wanted or hoped for but I've learned and grown so much. I've learned to give my plans to the Lord and trust them in his hands and to put my hope fully in him. This is the way to live life, the only way to experience true peace and joy in this Christian walk.
"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalms 39:7
