Choosing joy

If you are reading this chances are you've been through trials and test. If you haven't, please share your secret! Anyway, tonight I was thinking about how I feel right now. How I'm just surviving most days, just barely above the water. I have good days, yes. Lots of them. Today has been a survival day. As I was rocking Dalton to sleep I started thinking about the difference between people who are living with joy and peace and the people, eh hem, me, who have just been surviving. If you are reading this, I'll assume you are living and I'll also assume you've got a list of things you have survived whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally but guess what?! You made it! Guess what else?! There will be more stuff! There's always going to be something that comes along that tries to take our abundant life, our joy! What I'm saying to myself and what I'm saying to you is that we need to buckle down and everyday, choose joy! How much better would our life be if even in the midst of hard times, we chose joy. It would change us and it would change people around us. I honestly haven't even wanted to be around myself lately but I'm going to try and make that change to choose joy, choose abundant life for me and my family! The way to do that is found in God's word. The way to do that begins with being thankful for what we have. Enter with the password "thank you." (Psalms 100:4) Joy is strength and we all could use that in this world filled with so many challenges.

“Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I’ll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You’ll be living proof that I didn’t go to all this work for nothing.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:14-16‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Bittersweet

I am sitting here in silence in my home...silence?!  Yes, that's right. The boy is sleeping and the girl is with her grandma.  I decided to take it easy this morning since the next few weekends are so busy.  Am I the only one who needs these days? Silence doesn't happen very often with two children.  Boy do I love them, though.

I got the pleasure of reading my devotion in the quiet, man that feels so good. The one I read this morning is titled Bittersweet.  Here's a portion of it:
               
"Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet and that a life of nothing but sweetness robs both your teeth and your soul.  Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through......Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is nuanced, full of depth and complexity." -Savor by Shauna Niequist

The past six months I have been trying to come up with a way to describe this season of my life with transitioning from one baby to two, from fighting through postpartum depression and juggling everything from job to alone time with my husband, and now this word....this word spoke to me.  Bittersweet!  I would never ever change anything from this season and now I know.  These past six months I have grown and there have been some serious growing pains.  I am convinced that they have made me better.  Am I the mom, wife, friend I want to be?  No, not yet but I am closer.  This journey of motherhood and marriage will always be  challenging and I will always be growing. Thank God we don't have to go at it alone.

If there is anything I could pass on it would be that there is grace for the struggles, there is a God who cares, trust me, he cares.  Many times on this journey I have received words that I know were from him. He is always trying to speak to us.  Do we always stop and listen? No!  There are many times that I don't hear him until I am desperate.  In this season, I have been so desperate.  My soul has been like a barren wasteland but when I cried out for help, he was there.  Has everyday been easy?  Hell no!  (I hope that doesn't offend anyone but I feel that strongly.)  It has been a struggle to get out of bed some days, there has been a cloud hanging over me some days. BUT!....I kept going.  Know why?  My savior.  Not because of me and my strong will.  I am weak and when I am weak, he is strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)  Thank you, Jesus!

I could go on and on about everything but I will leave you with this, I know that I am not completely out of the dark cloud days but I do know that again and again I will be rescued.  There will be some bittersweet moments and there will be some sweet, sweet moments but each day I remind myself to be thankful. I have a beautiful family. I mean, have you seen them???  I have family and friends who care, a church family who are there and a wonderful job with some great people. So yeah, I am thankful and even on my worst days my heart is full of the love I have been overwhelmed with.

"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."-Savor

The birth plan that did not go as planned

There we were in the hospital and there I was with some of my closest loves around me hearing the words I was always afraid of, "we are going to have to do a c-section."  Tears, there were tears for sure but in that moment there was also a strength that rose up in me.

The day before I was in labor all day off and on.  That night we made our way twice to the triage at Gaston Memorial. You can only imagine my disappointment when I wasn't progressed enough to stay.  By the time we got home and back in bed my water broke.  Here we go again. Now they had to keep me, especially with my track record of water breaking. My "birth plan" was to go all natural, I mean, if I could labor for three days with Raleigh, I could do this.  Ha! This labor was so different.  As soon as I got to triage my contractions were non-stop, no break whatsoever so I was begging for an epidural.  I've never felt such pain.  My "birth plan" went out the window.

My labor progressed very quickly but that morning it kinda stayed the same for several hours.  Turns out, the epidural relaxed me too much so they gave me some meds to bring my blood pressure back up and that sped my heart way up as well as Dalton's.  This is normal for some time but it was lasting way longer than normal.  At the first mention of a possible c-section, I was like "no way!" I had about an hour to try and push this baby out and I was determined.  It's funny how we have "our plans" and ideas of how things should go.

By the way this post is going you should know by now that I didn't push the baby out.  The little guy was posterior and his little head was comfortably tucked under my pelvis.  He refused to be pushed out. So, back to the c-section.  They suited Daniel up, prepped me and off we rolled.  We left all our family and friends in the waiting room to experience a birth that I had not wanted, had not planned, prayed against, spoke against and refused to ever believe for myself.  My hopes were for a smooth labor and delivery, after all, didn't I deserve that after what all went wrong with Raleigh?!  Sorry for the honesty but these were my selfish thoughts at the time.

I won't go into detail about the c-section.  I felt the surgery so it was actually pretty traumatic.  I lost a lot of blood so I had to have four blood transfusions.  In the end, I had a precious baby boy.

The whole week in the hospital I was fine with how it all went.  Those were some good drugs.  That Saturday I had my first and only meltdown. It was kinda like a death of a dream.  Some may laugh at this. Some may not understand my need for the "perfect" birth and that's alright.  I honestly don't know why that desire was ever so important to me either, it just was.  The hardest part of all of this was not understanding why my prayers and all the prayers from others were not answered.  I had believed so much but I'd been let down.  Why?!  I still don't know the "why."  I do know that I had my hope in the wrong thing.  I had my hope in my "birth plan" and was tragically let down.  How many times do we put our hope in other things besides God? We make plans according to our own agenda. We never know the big picture, the "why" but God does and we know that He is working everything out for our good, right?

Now I know that I had the perfect birth for me and my sweet boy.  I'm truly thankful for him and all of this modern medicine and ways to remove a baby safely.  It wasn't what I wanted or hoped for but I've learned and grown so much. I've learned to give my plans to the Lord and trust them in his hands and to put my hope fully in him.  This is the way to live life, the only way to experience true peace and joy in this Christian walk.

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalms 39:7

Honesty

I am just going to be honest and put this out there.  It's not easy to be transparent but my hope is that someone can relate and be encouraged by my story. Lately I have been in a funk, for lack of a better word.  There is really no reason for it.  I have just been dealing with a bit of the blues.  The weather doesn't help at all!  Anyway, this morning I decided to open my Bible up to the Psalms.  I read Psalm 73 and verse 26 spoke to me;

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." 

It is so good to know that when we are feeling weak spiritually and physically, God is our strength.  These are the times that He steps in and carries us through.  So, I am going to stand on this and just believe that soon I will start feeling like myself again.  I will come through this time and I will be stronger for it.  I will be able to share encouragement to someone who needs it because I can relate to what they are going through.  I am thankful that in all circumstances, if we choose, we can come out for the better for ourselves and others.  That is what the journey is about.

Coming soon on the blog: James Dalton, the birth story

Enjoying the now

How hard is it to find joy every single day of life?  Well, for me it is a pretty difficult task.  Even more so now that I'm a few days shy of 39 weeks pregnant.  There are so many days that I've wished away lately just praying that the next I'll be more comfortable or our baby boy will be here.  Sure, I am in pain and I'm ready for him to be here but I also want to enjoy my days and just live them out with joy.  I'm not even promised tomorrow.  Today I made a decision to just really try and enjoy these days until the baby arrives.  Soon, our hearts will welcome one more precious child and our lives will be forever changed.  I don't want to wish the last little bit away with my family of three just because I'm kinda miserable in my current physical state.

I guess I want to encourage all of you, all five of you that read my blog,  to live in the now.  Live on purpose. Make each day count.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring? We can only live in today. There will be hard days we have to get through but nothing gets through the hard times like finding the joy in everyday little things.  I don't know about you but I have a lot to be joyful for.

"Always be joyful, never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

A call to compassion

This morning before our church service began there was a woman found on a picnic table bench a few hundred feet from where we gather that had committed suicide.  I apologize for starting this blog on such a sad note but I have something on my heart that stems from this mornings tragic event.  When I found out what happened I was first shocked and then very heart-broken.  A heaviness descended on my soul and I think it was the same for so many that heard.  I cried for this woman, I cried for her family and I cried for the sense of hopelessness that seems to flood people like this.

I began to think of people I may know who have that sense of hopelessness.  Quite honestly, if you don't know Jesus, you don't have hope.  It made me think about what a poor job I am doing praying earnestly for those same people.  What am I doing in my day to day life that infuses hope in people?  Not enough!

This mornings message was exactly what we all needed to hear.  It was a call to compassion.  Compassion is not a feeling, it is an action.  Compassion brings healing, it encourages, it helps those in need.  This is our calling.
every.
single.
day.

There are people, like this woman, who need it.  Maybe she just needed someone to talk to.  We will  never know.  I pray for her family and friends to be comforted through all of this and we can only hope and pray that our lives begin to radiate such hope that this lie of hopelessness will be cast down.

May we, as believers, step up to our call to compassion.

If you are one of the ones who feel hopeless, I just want you to know that there is hope.  My pastor put it so well this morning.  He said "The only place that there is no hope is hell."  That's so true.  As long as there is breath, there is hope.

Psalm 119:114 "You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope."

"Out of the darkness we will rise and sing."

An encouraging word to mothers

"We are God's masterpiece.  He has created us new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

I thought of this verse this morning as I was thinking about all the moms out there.  I could really just stop here and this verse would be encouraging enough but I'll go on and share what's in my heart.  Truth is, if you are a mother, you need all the encouragement you can get.  We don't get it from our children usually, especially if they are babies or toddlers and don't even know what the word encouragement even means yet. 

In the short time that I have been a mom I have already experienced discouragement and even failure in the area of raising my daughter.  I know I am hard on myself and I compare myself to many wonderful moms I know out there, so it is my fault for ever getting discouraged in this department.  I've come to realize that I will make mistakes when it comes to parenting and being a wife but it's not the mistakes that we should be focusing on, it is how we handle the mistakes.  We pick ourselves up, swallow our pride and apologize.  Then, we walk in faith that we are being perfected by the Perfect one.  We walk in grace, knowing that we are forgiven.  We are God's masterpiece.  A long, long time ago he had you picked out to be the mother of your child/children and he knew what he was doing.

No matter if you are a new mom or if all your children are grown, just remember that you are God's masterpiece!  Don't focus on what you did in the past, the way your friends parent, the way the media tells you your kids should be, focus on the here and the now.  Cherish your children, cherish the fact that you were chosen to carry this great honor of raising the future.  What seems like a thankless job at times really is an investment into something so great. 

I am honored to know so many wonderful mother's, including mine.  Thank you Marmi for always being there and loving me even when I was difficult.  Thank you to my grandma who raised four children and even had a hand at raising me and even leading me to the Lord.  Thank you to my mother-in-law who raised an amazing son who loves his family deep, you did good. Thank you to my friend Carey, who I look up to as a super-mom.  You are a great example of a mom with so much grace and fun to boot!

Lastly, thank you to my sweet daughter.  Your love of life and compassionate heart has changed me in so many ways.  I never knew a love quite like this before you came along. 

It is well

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, 
  when sorrow like sea billows roll;
  whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 
   It is well, it is well with my soul." 

This is one of my favorite songs, especially love hearing Selah sing it.  Tonight I sang it to Raleigh and I felt peace and hope come over me.  My close friends know what's been going on in my life these past few weeks and I gotta say, it has been interesting.  I've went from feeling sad to, questioning if I did the right thing. From "it will be alright" to, "will it?"  Lots of emotions.  I will say this, if anyone has an amazing support group, it is me!  I am so thankful for everyone around me.  

I've been asking myself the question, "how much do I really trust the Lord?"  Do I believe that God, who started a good work in me will finish it? (Philippians 1:6)  Do I believe His love for me?  Am I casting all my worries and cares on Him?  I would like to think that I do a great job in trusting.  I am really good at telling others they should just trust.  Anyone else?  

I feel like the things that have happened these past few weeks have stirred something up in me to want to trust more.  Tuesday evening I went to a type of small group called "the stories we tell" and the lady telling her story was a great woman of faith.  One thing she said that stuck to me like glue   was when something negative happened she got so excited because it was an opportunity to see God's hand at work.  I was wowed by that.  I want to be that woman of faith that stands up in the face of adversity and trust that the God of the universe loves me enough to take care of every situation! He restores better than original.  It may not be how we planned or the timing we expected but it will happen if we just believe.  

So, the point in the song is to say that no matter what is going on, I have hope.  There will be seasons of hardships and seasons of amazing times.  Either way, it is well with my soul.   

Romans 8:37 "Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves us."

Be restored

Tonight I had a sweet little song come to my mind as I rocked Raleigh for bedtime.

"You've taken my shame and called me by a new name.  You've taken my pain and in its place you give me joy.  You bring restoration, you bring restoration, you bring restoration to my soul."

Such a simple song. Such sweet words.  How true those words ring in my heart.  I love how He reminds me of all the ways He has shown His love for me.  This song is an anthem to my life.  If you have read my blogs or know me you know why.

So tonight, my purpose in this blog is to remind you that if you are in a season of pain, shame, guilt, disappointment, etc, He knows!  He is there to make you whole, to restore you to better than original. I can't tell you how or when but if you believe and receive, He is faithful.  One thing you must remember and it is a hard thing to do but you have to let it go in order for it to be healed and restored.  You let it go and give it to Him.  You are not strong enough to hold on to it yourself.

I will leave you with this verse, my favorite of all time.

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With His love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Releasing the power within

This morning I heard a great message from one of our Pastor's, Brian Early.  He did an amazing job and he stirred something inside of me that apparently is already there.  Honestly, I already knew these things.  As a believer I hear this stuff and I read the scriptures but I forget so easily.  "The same God that raised Jesus from the dead is living in us."(Romans 8:11)  Really?!  This is amazing news.  This means that we already have the fruits of the spirit, we have peace, we have victory, healing, everything we ever need!  If the living God is living inside of me and inside of every believer, why are we so defeated all the time? 

 One quote that Brian said was, "Christians are dying of thirst and they are surrounded by water."  We have the resource (Jesus) in us, so let us live like it.  It does not mean that we are never going to have problems, but how about a little joy and peace when those problems come along?  I see so many believers that are so miserable all the time and they wonder why their situations won't change or their family and friends don't want to come to God.  I am not judging friends, I have been there and I have days still when I feel defeated.  What if we all tapped into the power within us?  It would change not only our world but it would change those around us!  Isn't that what we are here for? 

It is not about feelings either people.  Sometimes feelings get in the way of truth. No, it's not about feelings, it is about FAITH.  This whole walk is about FAITH.  That is why it is so important not to go with our feelings.  He mentioned people who say "I really felt God in that church."  His response was "Where was He before?"  If He is inside of us His presence is always with us and in us. 

The best and saddest part of the message for me was a visualization that he gave.  He was saying, "what if I came to your house and knocked but you didn't open the door?  I came on in and followed you around while you were going about your normal routine.  You never spoke a word to me, didn't even acknowledge that I was there all week.  On Sunday you come to church and you start saying, "Hey Brian! I've missed you, you are great."  Then you start singing praises to me." 

I hope I did that justice.  When he was telling that I had tears in my eyes.  How many times have I ignored the savior?  How many times have I needed peace and not accepted it when He has already freely given?  I know that He loves me no matter what.  I do.  He loves you too.  NO MATTER WHAT!  How is this not a call for us want to love Him back?  He's so good, He has freely given us all things, He loves us just because we are His children.  


This is a challenge.  A challenge to release the gifts that have been given to us.  A challenge to talk with Him all through the day and not just talk but be aware that He is there.  A challenge to walk in a way that speaks so much joy, love and peace! There are people around us that need it so badly.  

"To live by the spirit means to be continually conscious that he is always in you."

Tis the season

Today I got a little emotional while putting the decorations on the tree.  A very strange sentiment while doing something I love to do.  Lately that has been happening to me a lot.  See, recently my Pastor has asked me to share my story as part of a series we are doing this month called "The Christmas Story."  Today we heard from an amazing guy with an incredible story of how God rescued him from a path that certainly was destructive.  It was a very encouraging message.  I love to hear people say "don't lose hope on people."  We all have been in need of rescuing and I'm so thankful for the people who didn't give up on me. 

Now, back to where I was going with this.  Ever since Pastor Derek asked me to speak I've been taken back to my past.  There are so many memories that I had put in a file that was labeled "do not open" and I was planning on keeping it that way.  It has brought up a few good memories but mostly a lot of bad ones.  It has not been a fun process but I feel like it has been something that has been needed to bring healing in areas that I didn't even know needed healing.  

This morning my pastor mentioned that a person's testimony is not just for that person to remember and be thankful but it's for others.  When we share our stories, God's presence is released.  Those words gave me courage.  Courage to share things I'm not proud of, things that made me feel such pain and even a story of complete restoration and healing of my body.  

So, tonight as I decorated our tree, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.  I'm so thankful that I have been rescued by God.  I'm thankful that I have a husband that loves me unconditionally, and a daughter who means the world to me.  I am so blessed.  Never once when I was a little girl in my bed, praying my daddy wouldn't kill my mama in a drunken rage, did I think that God had a plan for me that included such blessings. I'm so glad I serve a good and loving God.

Surprising someone with goodness

Today I noticed a lady walking on the side of the road with only a long sleeve shirt  and jogging pants on.  No coat, no gloves.  I was really bothered by that.  At first, I thought to myself, "I want to give her my coat."  Then I thought, "she might be a crazy person and flip out on you, do not stop!" 

 Well, lately I have been trying to live this quote my pastor said a few months ago, "surprise someone with goodness."  So, I have been doing just that.  I must tell you that it opens up so many doors and not only does it show God's love to people in need but it comes back to encourage me.  I love how God works!

So, I pulled my car over and waited for her to get closer to me.  When she got close I stepped out of my car and asked if she would please take my coat.  She kindly refused saying she wasn't far from home.  I could tell that she was a little surprised that I had even asked her.  I couldn't get her to take it so I got back in my car and drove up the road a bit but I could not go very far before I pulled over again.  I waited for her to get closer and this time I took my coat off and basically begged her to take my coat.  She refused again and said she would feel guilty if she took it.  I did all I could do to get her to take my coat and she still refused.  

I am not sure why I felt so compelled to give it to her.  It was something I know I needed to do yet, my goodness was refused.  This could easily be discouraging and send me into a mode of not wanting to help anyone but it has had the opposite affect.  In fact, that is the only reason I am writing this blog.  I want to encourage more people to "surprise someone with goodness."  Even if people do not receive it the way we thought they would.  I have no idea how my actions affected that lady today.  Maybe she just needed someone to show her kindness and maybe she had prayed to God to send a message of love recently.  I guess I will never know.  What I do know is that this world needs a lot more goodness.  Let's be that to our world.  

Moving on

Have you ever just felt defeated?  If so, I have something to share with you that hopefully will encourage you.  There are so many things that can happen to discourage us or make us feel defeated. We end up living with a victim mentality and before we know it, we can't even see the hope that is in front of us.  The enemy would love nothing more than to keep us in this place but I am ready to see people, including myself, rise up and be over-comers! 

There are so many things that I could meditate on and ask the question, "why did this happen to me?", but I don't want to live there.  I want those circumstances in the past to be in the past and to be used to encourage people.  When people see my life I don't want them to see the unfortunate circumstances but instead see someone who stands strong, looks defeat in the face with boldness and says "I will not back down in my faith".  I want to be the person that says "fear will not hold me back anymore more." 

The best example we have of an over-comer is Jesus.  Look at what all He endured.  Everything He did was ridiculed by the pharisees, he was beaten and killed for no crime whatsoever but he did it for us.  Guess what?! He conquered defeat for all time.  He suffered a billion times over anything we could ever suffer but He did not live as a victim of His circumstances.  He is our example.  

So, if you feel like you have been living in defeat all you need to do is reach out to the one true over-comer.  Release whatever is holding you down and make a decision to choose joy.  When we decide to live this way our lives and everyone around us will be so much better.  We can be world- changers with this kind of attitude.  After all, Jesus was.

1 John 5:4 "everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith."

From a mom to a mom

Anyone that is a mom is certainly a full-time mom. I just really want to give a shout out to full-time working moms this week.  I get the privilege to work only three days a week and there are many times that I feel that is too much.  For the last week and over the next several weeks I'll be working every day and I gotta say, it is difficult.  I love my job.  That's not the problem. The problem is that I feel guilt over missing my child, missing those two very sweet days that I get her all day to myself!  Just her and mommy. I want to be with her all the time so it's just so hard.

 I also have a little anxiety over my messy house.  I do not know how people keep a spotless house with a child or children but I especially don't know how moms who work full time even have time to do a load of laundry.  All I have to say is props to you gals who juggle it all!  I thought I was super busy but you full-timers really got it going on.  If you are a stay at home mom, please just know how blessed you are!  I know you are super busy and the job never stops for you either.  I know that there are days that you may feel like just one day at work, out of the house would be amazing but it's so worth it.  Last night Daniel said to me "it is a huge responsibility to raise a child.  We are shaping their personality and every little thing."  It is so true.  Thank God for grace, right?! 

So, whatever kind of mom you are, be encouraged! Be encouraged that there is grace for days when you work all day and miss sweet moments.  There is grace when you might mess up or when your kids are being difficult.  There's even grace when we feel like we don't deserve it. That's what grace is (unearned, unmerited favor).  Receive it, let your children receive it. 

Seasons

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  Some of our forever friends and my family drove up to Hendersonville to surprise one of my most favorite people.  We all grew up together in youth group, aside from a few spouses.  Steve and Shelly were our youth pastors for several years and we all still adore them.  As I was writing in Shelly's card I started to think about all they had done for us and I have to say I was overwhelmed.  They spoke the word into us and prayed over us at a time in life that is so pivotal.  Teenage years!  Last night we didn't get home until midnight and I joked with Shelly about not knowing how they made it all those years staying up late, especially with two small kids.  Now that I'm an adult I feel like I can truly appreciate that!

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I started thinking about seasons.  Some are short, some seem to last forever.  Some may be easy breezy, while some may leave us gasping for air.  In the past few years I can attest that Daniel and I have been through several seasons and many of those were difficult.  There was even a time last year that I didn't want to live anymore.  Thankfully that was a very, very small season.  It's shocking even now as I'm writing it out.  I let my circumstances cloud all the lovely blessings in my life.  My perspective was way off and I certainly wasn't looking for the joy in the situation. Eventually I tapped into God's love and grace and was restored.  

I just want to encourage someone that may be in one of those difficult seasons to look up! Be encouraged! There's a new season coming.  If we can choose to focus on the good things I believe we can always walk in a season of peace and hope.  If we can change our perspective, I believe it will change our lives completely.  We never know who will be changed by the way we walk through a season.  Let's not live life in a hurry through every season. Let's learn to find the joy in each circumstance. 
"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8

I'm so thankful for the way Steve and Shelly walked through their season at LCOG.  My life and many others were so enriched by them in ways that I'm sure they never even thought was possible at the time.

The simple things

It is the end of a simple but sweet day for me.  I dropped my baby off at Mimi's, went to work, picked said baby up, cooked dinner, played, and just got that sweet girl to bed.  A few things were different about this day.  For one, it's my grandpa's birthday.  Although, he isn't here I had an extra cup of coffee to celebrate him.  My heart was a little sad today but in a good and healthy way.  He was so dear to me that it would be unusual not to be missing him.  His character was so good and so pure that everyone loved him.  He loved everyone and he would have given his shirt off of his back.  Anyway, I will get back on track.

The other thing that was different about this day was Raleigh's bed time.  We did everything we usually do but it was different.  I began to sing as I normally do.  I start off with my usual "Jesus loves me" and ended on "The old rugged cross".  I think I have mentioned this before but I can only usually ever think of hymns to sing at bedtime for some crazy reason.  As I sang "The old rugged cross", something happened in the room.  I just began to feel the presence of the Lord in the room.  It is almost as He was giving me a hug.  As I left the room tears began to flow.  Good tears.  I started to think about the simple things of life.  When I was a child things were so sweet and simple with my grandparents.  I guess that song just took me back to my grandpa playing guitar and my grandma always singing that song in church.  To me, they are the sweetest, most simple people, yet they made such a huge impact on my life.  

What is it about their character that changed me so?  Well, the biggest answer is Jesus.  They loved the Lord, they loved people, they even loved each other.  Because they knew Jesus they were giving, kind, gentle, peaceful, and just plain good!  By the way, my grandmother is still here! She is still all these things.  

I guess my point in all this is to say that I think we need to get back to the simple.  Love Jesus, love people.  A big change would come if we really would LOVE as we are called to.  

This is how God loves: 

God is patient, He is kind.  He does not envy, does not boast or is not proud.  He is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs.  He does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  He never fails!  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

God is love.  The way that Jesus said we are to win people is to love one another.  John 13:35

How different would our relationships be if we lived this 1st Corinthians love?

A piece of my heart.

Life lately has been kinda busy.  I feel like the week ends as soon as it begins.  I try to savor each moment with my family and really capture the sweetest things.  I'm trying to be more thankful.  It doesn't always workout but I'm doing a better job of reminding myself.  Recently I heard about a book called "Sparkling green earrings" by Melanie Shankle.  Love, love, love this book.  I finished it in three days which could explain why my floors are still dirty.  Hey, I did get to the laundry!

Anyways, back to the book.  It's a book about motherhood.  Imagine that.  About a year ago I  jumped into that role.  It certainly wasn't what I expected at all.  It was so much more.  I thank God every day  for what a joy my daughter is and how thankful I am that I was chosen to be her mom.  I have gotten such a glimpse into the Father's love for me by being a mother to her.  It's not always easy.  If you are a mother you know this all too well.  In fact, just the past two weeks she's been waking up every night again.  I suspect teething.  Nothing is more frustrating to me than getting woken up from the best sleep to try and figure out what's wrong with this little person.

It was 1:30 am last Friday when she awoke.  I got up, gave her a bottle (don't judge, I'll do whatever it takes to get her back to sleep), and she drifted back to sleep.  As soon as I got nice and comfy in the bed I hear her in the monitor.  Really?!  At this time I woke Daniel up to ask him what I should do.  I hate waking him up but I only do it in my weakest moments.  He is always so helpful and I am very thankful for the kind of loving dad he is.  So, he went in to try and get her back to sleep to no avail.  Back and forth we went until about 3am.  In a moment of desperation I brought her to our bed thinking surely she would fall asleep in my loving arms.  You can only imagine how aggravated we both were at this point.  It's not just frustrating that it is 3am but the fact that we do not know why she refuses to go back to sleep is enough to make you crazy.

So here we are, she's cuddling with mommy.  I actually loved the feeling of her snuggled next to me. I'm thinking "we are just gonna fall asleep together and it's gonna be so sweet."  Ha! That's when she looked up at the ceiling fan , pointed and quoted her famous question "whassat?"  I just starting laughing.  Daniel, on the other hand, did not think it was funny.  I think he can laugh about it now.  Somewhere around 4am she was sound asleep in her bed until about 9am.  Which is the reason I got to read so much.  So, it worked out in the end.

My point in all this is that there is grace and joy in every situation.  At the moment I was not feeling it much but I can see it now.  I'm still hoping she sleeps through the night again very soon but until then, I will get some extra snuggles and time loving on my girl.  She won't be a baby forever.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Looking back, the sweetest things are often the hardest things.  They teach you a level of sacrifice you didn't know you were capable of, and for me, having a child was the beginning of a glimpse into the kind of love Christ has for us.  Sacrificial love.  Love that doesn't keep score.  Love that isn't dependent on what's in it for me.  Love that is consuming and protective and unconditional."

I pray that I can be the best mom to little Raleigh Quinn.  I also pray that I can give this kind of love out to others.  This is the Father's heart.

Comparison

Lately I've heard the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy" several times.  This has really made me search my heart.  It seems like the Lord is doing all kinds of things in my heart these days.  I'll save all that for another day,  back to comparison and the danger in it.  Comparing ourselves to our friends, neighbors, family can start so easily and before we know it we are so unhappy with everything we have! This is such a dangerous place to be.  Today I had the thought that it really makes you ungrateful.  Our God is a God who loves thankfulness and I don't want to be in a place of being ungrateful.  Being ungrateful can rob us of all the blessings that he has in store for our lives.  I don't know about you but I want all the blessings!  

The biggest reason comparison is dangerous is because it can and will steal our joy.  When we lose our joy, we lose our strength.  The bible says "the joy of the Lord is our strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)  When we lose it the enemy can come in at our moment of weakness and knock us off our feet.  Now that I am aware of this, I can see many times where I've allowed this to happen to me.  Don't get me wrong here people, there's always grace.  Our savior is always standing there with arms open, ready to give us back our joy as we draw near to him.  

I have really been evaluating my own life throughout this learning process.  I am so bad about comparing myself to my friends.  I often think I am not good enough and I pale in comparison to my friends.  This goes from clothes to personality from anything to everything.  It's really a constant battle in my mind.  I'm so tired of it.  It is a lot of work trying to keep up with everyone.  It is not the way to  peace.  Peace and joy are two things that the world does not have and how can I be that to them if I'm not living in it myself?

I'm challenging you dear reader to search your heart and see the ways you might compare yourself to others.  Let's find our value in Christ and forget about trying to keep up and be someone we weren't created to be.  I'm looking forward to raising a daughter who knows she is valuable and it will have nothing to do with the things she has or doesn't have, it will be her identity in our savior.  

Just a little side note: let's stop being so hard on each other.  I know that I've been hard on others when they are "different" than me.  That's not a good place to be either.  I've been watching Big Brother (guilty pleasure), but the girls are really mean to each other. It is really sad to see.  We as women need to stand up, especially Christian woman, and be kindhearted to one another.  We need to look past the outward appearance and look at the heart.  I know this is so elementary but it is something that we need to be reminded of.  

Just a little food for thought. Thanks for reading.  

Update: 30 day challenge

About 20 days ago I gave myself a challenge to wear a different shirt everyday for 30 days.  To make it even more challenging I am not allowed to buy any new shirts.  In case all two of my readers are wondering, I thought I'd update.
I have done a pretty good job and I've actually enjoyed doing it.  This week I wore one shirt twice just because I wanted to wear tights and it is one of my only shirts that cover my bottom.  :)
It has been a fun challenge finding different outfits from my existing clothes.  I'll post a few pics after 30 days.  Stay tuned.

Reflections

Today is a good day.  While rocking Raleigh to sleep I started thinking about this day last year.  Tears streamed down my face as I started reflecting on the greatness of all that happened and all that could have been.

This is the day the doctor came into my hospital room and told me they were going to put me on a ventilator to help me stay alive. What I didn't know is that meant I would be put into a coma, which I find was a good thing because I was already afraid of what the other meant.  Anyways, for five days I had no idea that my life existed.

You may be thinking that I bring this up a lot. Well, it's part of my story now.  It doesn't define me but it's changed my life.  See, the enemy tried to take my life.  He steals, kills and destroys.  I do not believe for one second that God brought this on me to teach me a lesson but I will testify that my God is in the restoring business.  What the enemy meant for harm, God will turn it around for the good.  I'm so thankful.  In reality I would have been fine if I hadn't made it.  Being a new mom makes me grateful though, that I get to experience my child growing and learning.  It is one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given.  Children really are a blessing from The Lord.

This next week I'm going to celebrate and enjoy my days.  I want to always have a thankful heart. I am moving past feeling like a victim of the enemies schemes.  I am victorious, I'm alive!

This next week I am expectant of restoration.  I missed five days of my life and almost two weeks away from my baby.  I don't know what this restoration looks like but whatever it is, it will be good.

So yeh, it's a good day.

Psalm 30:3 "God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together.  God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out."